How to Not Do a Divorce Study
The seventies wants their data back
When I was seven, my parents divorced. My life, my home, my school, and my family all changed. I gained a stepfather, a stepbrother, a stepsister. Later, I gained a half-brother. A few years later, I gained a stepmother and another half-brother. I never thought about what I lost. I’ve never justified my personality, my actions, or my mistakes on the divorce. I’ve never wondered what my life would be like if things had been different. Because things hadn’t been different. It’s that easy.
According to The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2001), from Julia Lewis, Judith Wallerstein, and Sandra Blakesee, it is not, in fact, that easy.
With thirty years of data on the impact of kids from divorced families and follow-up studies that check in on the kids over the years, the authors conclude that divorce is trauma. Forever.
As they explain:
This book is written for those of you who grew up in divorced families and want to know why you feel and act the way you do. Each of you believes that your suffering was unique. You’ve struggled with inner conflicts and fears whose source you don’t comprehend.
You’ve lived for years with fear of loss and the worry that if you’re happy, it’s only a prelude to disaster. You fear change because deep down you believe it can only be for the worse. You’ve been worried about one or both of your parents all your life, and leaving them has been a nightmare. Like most adult children of divorce, you’ve never confessed to anyone how terrified you are of conflict because the only way you know how to handle it is to explode or run away. You’ve lain awake night after night struggling with anxiety about low and commitment. You know far too much about loneliness and too little about lasting friendship.
This message reached people. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent nearly a month on New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and Denver Post bestseller lists. It was featured on two episodes of Oprah. Reading it, I started to wonder: Had I been wrong not to think about how my parents had robbed me of a childhood in an “intact” family? Had I been cursed with a less-than-ideal family structure?
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce presumes that readers from divorced families are traumatized with an airy confidence. The authors assure these readers “the feelings that confuse and trouble” us are all rooted in our shattered childhood:
By seeing how your life has been different from that of people raised in good intact families, you will begin to understand these roots for the first time. Your fears may not vanish, but their can surely be muted.
The book was an interesting read. I’m a big fan of repression (as I’ve written a few times). I’m also not a big fan of most forms of therapy. With thirty years of data at their disposal, the authors of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce offer a way to interpret divorce as something that suddenly and irrevocably changes not just the mental state of the divorced couple but the kids left behind, in the future of a new world.
I laughed in disbelief at some pages. Nodded with cautious sympathy at others. But, ultimately, I didn’t buy it. Like any event in life, childhood is what you make of it. Every divorce is different. Every person is different. Trauma is transformation by another name.
Others might not agree. So let’s look at the data.
Datasets of Divorce
It’s often repeated in The Legacy of Divorce that the research covers thirty years of interviews and surveys on the effects of divorce on kids from youth to adulthood. This seems impressive, until you flip to the appendix and look at the sample size: the findings are based on interviews (therapy sessions) with 131 children from 60 families who filed for divorce in Marin County in 1971. Follow-up interviews were conducted at 18 months, five years, ten years, and twenty-five years. The authors buffer this paltry set of circumstances with claims they have seen (treated) thousands of adults from divorced families over the years to confirm these conclusions. Never mind the fact that anyone who goes to a therapist is not necessarily representative of everyone outside of therapy. The data from therapists about therapy sessions shows that divorce is trauma. Let’s just repeat that last part: the data from therapists gathered from patients shows that divorce is trauma.
According to awkward interviews and clearly cherry-picked data (representative profiles) from the 131 people surveyed over decades, The Unexpected Legacy explains that children of divorce go through "an unrelenting drama of longing and anger.” This is news to me (or had I repressed it too well? what was the difference?)
The authors tell divorced children of all ages how they feel:
“You drove your feelings underground even more - where they became more powerful.”
“You thought you were the most powerful villain responsible for the family disaster.”
“You don’t deserve to have good things happen.”
“You certainly don’t deserve to love or be loved.”